On Sunday in Darkness

When you are stuck in a power outage, the mind is free to sift through emotions that are fixated upon your core, the little leeches that suck the heart dry of self-love.  I’ve waited through my share of power outages, and today, the day I was to write my first blog post brings some irony to those emotions that won’t seem to go away.  Some people may first encounter annoyance.  They’re annoyed of the inconvenience of lost power they have relied so heavily upon their entire lives.  There is no need to list these, as I’m sure you can quickly think of reasons why the lack of electricity brings inconvenience to your day to day.  Luckily, I rise before dawn to take my daily meds and brew a pot of coffee.  So with coffee by my side and a fully charged laptop, I try to pinpoint my reason for boredom, all the while I am inconvenienced by the heat that quickly rises with each powerless hour in my house in Southeast Texas.

I would say this is a good start for a Sunday.

The day to day gets to me.  I’m a goal oriented person, I have many goals.  I see everything with the end in mind, and wrestle with the joy of reaching it.  I've heard it many times over.  You've got to enjoy the journey.  I understand this concept, but fail to accomplish it.  I want to wrestle it until I conquer it.  And this shows my failure.  You can’t conquer joy.  To conquer it would mean, I would snuff it out.  Joy would cease, and I know I don’t want that.  So how do I embrace joy?  How do I relinquish my need for power, my need to control my journey?  That, I think, is the key.  Letting go of those stuck emotions will free me to embrace joy that is all around me, waiting to assist me on my journey. 

Those stuck emotions are like power outages.  They’re inconvenient. They stifle joy, the joy I desire so much so, that I fail to comprehend the hold they have on my heart.  Joy is powerful.  I've lived so long in the darkness of stuck emotions that I don’t know what true power looks like. 

I write these words that may seem enlightening to some and perhaps even wise to others, yet perhaps they’re contradictory.  But being transparent with a heart that is bogged down does not show you truth.  It shows you what you are.  It shows hurt.  It shows waywardness.  It shows joylessness. 

My need to control my journey to see how to embrace joy is the very thing that keeps me from it.  You don’t see it.  You feel it.  And maybe you have felt it here and there.  I have.  That’s how I know you can’t see it.  But I don’t remember how I did it.  And so I stay stuck in that emotion that charges me to control.  Fear.  Looking back and looking forward. 

But I still say this is a good start for a Sunday.

In the darkness, I see those stuck emotions.  I know what they look like.  I know why I’m bored waiting for the power to turn back on.  I see my options.  I can crawl back into bed with my husband.  We can spoon while I give and receive love.  Or I can meet my children as they awaken to their own inconveniences and help them, giving and receiving love.  By relinquishing control to this power outage I feel joy.  I see love awaiting me at either fork.  It’s a win/win situation.  What a good start for a Sunday.